this is so yummie..i bought it from the '7-11' store downstairs from my house..

it's actually roasted peanuts but in CORN flavour..veri nice~...and the best part is that it's only S$1.30..haha..go try it people..*thumbs up!

anyway..i just wanted to blog about some thoughts today..

just a few moments ago..i was reading from 2 very dfferent blogs..

both are females..one's married while the other had just ended her 3 year relationship with someone whom everyone, even herself, said was perfect..

it just made me think all the more about the ever hot topic..marriage and relationships..

one is happily sharing her life with someone she is married to while the other is simply happy that the relationship ended..

one's happiness is derived from sharing her life with someone while the other's happiness is derived from a seperation..

and that leaves me with rather ironic and contradicting views and thoughts..

i was once happy to leave a relationship too..and some time after i left, in times when i am down or when the relationships i had after him failed, i would always question myself if that was what i wanted?..to go through hurt and tears because i was too safe and happy?

that damn thought have stuck with me each and every single time i failed in a relationship after Lawrence..i would always wonder what life would be if i am still with him..happily married?..or still suppressing myself and my freedom to pursue many things in life?

and each and every time that i reach that particular question..i would be so sure that the answer is the latter..

though i miss the good times i have with him, he's just not what i needed or wanted..and to think that i took 6 damn years to find out. maybe it's just stubborness..you know, everyone loves to be determined to make things work..and when it does not, you would procrasinate to let it end..cause' it simply means failure.

whatever it is, i am no longer on the dark side of the fence. such thoughts are detrimental to the mental health. i do feel guilty for leaving him. damn some people out there, but i ain't a cold blooded animal..i am just being honest to myself and him..and the decision was so called affirmed by myself to be the right choice when i didn't even shed a tear after telling him that it's best we remain best as friends.

that was in fact one of the happiest times i had in those 6 years with him. i know, saying such things here seemed rather unfair to him. cause' like what some friends told me, he actually provided me with a lot and gave in a lot during our time together. yes he was good. i mean, where could you find a guy who would willingly pay your bills and give you pocket money. and in case your thoughts are wondering far..i ain't a kept woman, stupid!!..

back to the topic, yes he was good. but that was the picture i painted...cause' i wanted everyone to see the good and perfect side of it. what you guys didn't see was the ugly and down side. at times, he just ain't courageous to stand up for many things i needed and required.

and one of the worst matter was that we had conflicting views on many things including the future. when i was with him, the future just seemed blur and so unsure.

i am an insecured gal at times. and i definately hate uncertainty and ambiguity at times.

i know it is stupid to start pouring out the past now, especially in this blog.

well..i am just in the mood to type such stuff.

i do not mean to lower him or our past relationship. but i just wanted to say this whole chunk of thoughts that i have been supressing within.

there had been a friend who once told me that i would not understand what he is going thru' cause' he was at the verge of getting married to his 2 year-relationship gf when she suddenly left him for a 3rd party..

after i listened to his whole shit, i actually told me straight in the face that i truly understand cause' i had a 6 year relationship with someone whom i thought i would spend my life with.

that friend shut up immediately and that topic was never brought up.

i understand, i know..all the process, all the thoughts..

some people asked me on advise but sorry i ain't a good one..i've been through bad relationships and i dun think i can give very good advice..i mean, i have failed in a lot of relationships not knowing what and how i, or rather, how we went wrong.

i've always thought i wasn't good enough..not perfect enough..and started a whole big cycle of changing myself...but after 4 damn idiots, i finally realised that the problem does not lie in me. maybe it was simply a case of differences.

relationships are a weird lot..cause' it's something to do with emotions..and emotions are such stuff that you do not have any control over..

they seemed to have a senseless mind on their own..

whatever it is, do whatever it is that makes you happy. it is when you set yourself free that you'll be fair to others and yourself..

trust me on this, cause i once did.

i know all these thoughts are damn heavy.

well..i do feel a whole lot better now.