sometimes, i really hate my family..to such an effect that i secretly hope that i would get married off soon so that i would no longer have to come face-to-face with them so often.

before you start pointing your supposed 'correct' fingers' at me, you may wish to exit this page first. cause' no one really knows that truth of my family and i. i have never really told anyone the story cause' it's just pointless to talk about it, or would 'rant' be a better word, as used by others?

my mum just told me that my attitude was bad and that i shouldn't be speaking to her that way. maybe i was a little crude but i don't really care. it's not as if she really cared enough as a mother. she has failed terribly. i started eating out my breakfast, lunch and dinner at a tender age of like eleven or twelve years?

nah, the reason was not because she was busy working or earning money. the reason was because she has to play mahjong almost everynight. so she would give me a pathetic 2 to 3 bucks to settle my dinner. i never ate breakfast at home cause' she leaves for work early. i never even ate bread that she made in the mornings.

lunch was somehow settled at school. i dislike the fact that my fellow classmates and schoolmates would say goodbye so fast cause' their mother is cooking for them a meal at home.

and i hate it when my dad calls back from overseas and i have to lie to him in the night that i don't know where my mum went. but he knew the truth anyway.

she never once gave me any money for buying stationary, not even Pilot pens or any fancy rubbers. once when i was caught stealing cheap glitter glue from NTUC, she went to fetch me and just scolded me a little.

after that, in the evening, she told me to eat the fried rice i have cooked in school in the noon for dinner. and she promptly left for mahjong, yet again.

i had wanted her to taste it, i had wanted her to ask me what's my problem for stealing.

but she never.

and one of my most memorable mahjong times were her bringing me along on those gambling days and me eating in other people's house and even to an extent of sleeping on their floor. afterwhich, we had to brave the heavy stormy rain to walk home. did i mentioned that it was after midnight?

when i was older in my secondary school, i simply can't be bothered with my mother. she was in every sense of the word, not really my mother.

my dad gave me 30bucks per week for school. just like my primary school days, i would divide the money among breakfast, lunch, dinner and stationary. it was a little pathetic, not enough to spend at times too. but i managed to, through cooking plain rice and eating with soya sauce or eggs at times.

during my poly days, my dad gave me 50bucks per week. i managed to pass through the 3 years through working part-time though. money was simply not enough when you have to eat out for all 3 meals, buy clothes, pay hp bills and all other project stuff.

and i think i should also thank Lawrence for seeing me through one of my toughest stage in life. he paid for much stuff and provided me emotional and financial support through those 6 years.

my worst time in poly got to be the time where i was working and studying for my final year exams. my classmates and my mum wouldn't understand what i was going through. my mum even commented once that i should not be so crazy in work.

but, does she understand that once i stop my hands, my money supply would stop too?

no, she wouldn't. my dad gave her monthly family income and most of it went to her friends' mahjong table. what do i get out of all those years?

a scarred heart, a kind of independence that scares myself at times.

but i guess one good thing do come out from all those years, my ability to fight. i have fought a lot and i still stand strong.

i used to think that my life was one of the worst till i met ZM and Kelvin..

"there's always someone far more worst than you in the world..if they can survive, why can't you?"

i have never really told anyone this story cause everytime when i think about it, i would cry.

even now, i find myself unknowingly tearing.

i am getting married to mr cheng and i am happily looking forward to it. cause' at least, now i know he is someone i can rely on without pondering if he would treat me like how my mum would.

i do not ask for much, i just want to leave my past behind and move on to a new family.

my mum just commented that i would be treating my in-laws in the same rude attitude i've treated her.

but i can tell you that it will never happen. cause' i know, no matter how, i would go back home to a family who has cooked warm food for me and someone who waits for me.


"because of you, i was once a police officer,
so that i could offer protection to people,
the kind that you have deprived me of.

because of you,
i used to fear love and families,
but today, i stay strong and welcoming to all.

because of you,
i was once ashamed of my life cause' it's worthless and ugly

because of you,
i had once so wanted to die

because of you,
i once felt empty of love and care.

because of you,
i faked a lot of smiles in front of our relatives

because of you,
i fear till i am immune

i'll never forget the pain and hurt.
but i'll let it go
cause' of God."




super scary 5 mins ago..i was logging onto Blogger when the screen prompted me that some 'cookie' is missing..

so i smartly clicked on the 'Help' button which explained about some internet privacy thingy..and as usual, i don't really get such stuff..

but thankful enough, after some silly clicks, it's back to normal..super 'heng'..

and i just discovered something not so good today..haha..my workplace does not allow me to enter certain webpages that includes Multiply and Yahoo Mail..

i didn't bother trying Blogger or Friendster cause' if Multiply does not work, i do not see how Friendster would. kind of sad though..thought i could kill some time by blogging or looking through some bitchy photos..haha..i think my boss would faint at the sight of this.

i have been busy shopping for myself these days..bought like 3 dresses in a week..one in red and two in white..but i've changed one of the white one to a black one..

had bought one white for my coming ROM photoshoot but it didn't turn out as nice as i wanted it to be..plus mr cheng does not seem very fond of it..

so i went back to SENSE to change it and dropped by JOOP to get a new white dress..

i like the second one quite a far bit though..but mr cheng seems to have different views..but then, nevermind..i am the one wearing it anyway..and we'll have a better and nicer looking one for the ROM from the bridal shop..

talking about the shop 'SENSE'..just kind of make my blood boil..

i bought the dress in CityLink after work but decided to change it at Tampines Mall since it's so much nearer to my home..but the service there is simply f* up.

just read:

me: hi, i bought a dress and i would like to change the colour.

the 3 to 4 salesgirls: huh?

me ( trying best to sound patient): i bought a dress a few days back and would like to change the colour, only colour, not size or design.

the 3 to 4 salesgirls: (takes my package, open up, see receipt, puts it back): solly, you MUST go back to citylink change leh, cause' not buy from here one.

me (irriatated): but it's only a change of size. ok, since it's that way, would you be able to help me call them to check if they have the colour? (i have to ask this cause' it's gonna be an hr trip away)

the 3 to 4 salesgirls: erm, you got to call yourself leh....

me: i know, but i would REALLY APPRECIATE it if YOU could help me call and check to see if they have it!

the 3 to 4 salesgirls: (stunned and blurr!!!)

supervisor: yes, may i know what's the matter?

me: (repeated my exchange thingy..)

supervisor: (looks at the salesgirls and myself..) ya, can ah, change for her...

so much for a change of colour..it's either the salesgirls are stupid or plain lazy or simple 'i can't be bothered, i only salesgirl ma'..

oh, maybe i forgot to include the fact that when i went for the exchange, i was dressed in plain t-shirt and Giordano shorts with slip-ons..

yes, i wasn't glam or anything pretty..but that was rude though. they didn't even bother to check and double check. stupid fat ass sales people..so much for 'Good Quality Service' in Singapore..

i think we still have a looooooooooooooooooooooooong long way to go..............

and talking about things that piss me off..let's talk about something that pisses me off everyday..

like taking a train..i just don't understand why some people are so think skinned to squeeze themselves right in front of me just so that they could hold on to that damn pole for support!

and that is not all, these people must hold on to it from point A to point B while poor me (note: in my tiny little pair of HEELS) is trying to gain support from my poor legs and the little act of balancing i've been mastering..

thank God there's Flying Dutchman and Glenn on the Morning Show to peak up the mornings..

talking about Flying Dutchman..i was reading the previous issue of 8-Days where the writer have pretended to be Zoe Tay's PA and called up a few restaurants including McDonald's to see if the name Zoe Tay could get you a free meal.. (that was done with Zoe Tay's permission, btw)

the Mcdonald's wasn't funny..there was one which was super nice..

Hua Ting (supposed to be an elegant, upmarket Chinese Restaurant)
their staff replied: Zoe Tay? What company is that?

well, maybe not that funny. but think about this, imagine what if i replaced the name with Flying Dutchman?

reply: Flying Dutchman? you mean the Dutch people know how to fly ah?

ok ok. not that funny.

haha..now i need to clarify something. I meant my heart and lungs and soul for the part on the blogger and my complain of SENSE. BUT...the last part where i talk about Flying Dutchman is part of a joke, i don't mean to insult or imply an insult to anyone or company.

but, the Zoe Tay part was truly taken from the 8-Days issue no. 892, dated 22 Nov 2007, the one with the 'Enchanted' cover.

speaking about 'Enchanted'..it's a damn nice movie..loved it!!..especially the princess dresses made from non other than the curtains..haha..shall not reveal more, do watch it..it's a girl's fantasy..and well, a guy's too..cause' i watched it with mr cheng and he enjoyed it too!

byee...




the thunders are coming..so loud and clear..scary scary..

arrgh...gotta be out later at about 5 to my nephew's birthday party at Sturdee Road..only my mum and i are going..

dad's staying home and mr cheng is at an important event deployment..my poor baby, he's gotta be in camp for a week, and that's residential camp which means staying in for a whole one week..

poor thing, since he won't be getting enough sleep and good food..

but i told him not to worry about me..cause' i'll have good guys taking care of me..haha, he blew his angry by throwing my teddy around and telling me that he'll beat that person up..

haha...nah, i won't be that bad..afterall mr cheng is too good..

:D

the past 2 weeks at work has been alright...the following few weeks would be rather tough though..will be taking up some files to do follow-up from beginning to end..i'm not complaining though..i know this is what every newbie has to go through..and that period of time is given a good name "probate"..

haiz..but being busy ain't such a bad idea too..at least i'm having stuff to keep myself occupied..

as for my initially plans to take up Yoga..well..i think i might need some time to adjust to my current schedule first..cause' i am spending my weekends sleeping and lazing..

i am planing for a mini holiday with mr cheng but i'll have to see if he can take leave and if my work permits me to fly off to do some shopping..i am thinking of HK though..hahaha..

it will definately be a no-no for him, cause' we're planning to go next year again..

and come to think of it, Batam's Spa and Massage just sounds good too!..

haha..well..see first la..no money already..will be spending quite a bit towards december and may next year..

let's hope that Bonus is Big and Fat!!..









not that i had not been blogging these days, just that my a few of my previous entries were made private.

just did not find it necessary to share some 'hard to accept/swallow' facts out in the open. it ain't anything glamour or exciting, just some of my rantings here and there.

i have started work at my new place about a week ago. so far, life's been alright. i think i shall reserve my initial feelings and observations till much much later. people at work are nice too. most of the people sitting around me are grown-ups, all older than me in fact. they are either married or married with kids.

in fact, i do like working with people older than me. they are more experienced and way better and mature in dealing with their emotions and thoughts, at least no more of those childish kiddos.

i have a table of my own and it's located along the walkway to the lawyers' rooms. it's quite a strategic location though cause' everyone who walks by gets a glimpse of whatever i am doing. haha, good or bad? :P

but at least, now i have a desk to call my own. a computer to personalise my wallpapers and save my docs, though i have not really got into it yet. i have brought along my own mug, my sweater, my 3-in-1 cereals pack, some strawberry wafers and cookie biscuits to munch when my stomach is hungry before lunch starts.

the working time is alright too, i report for work at 8.30, go for a hour lunch break at 1, go back at 6 from mons to thurs and 5.30 on fris. i am getting back my free time of PH and sats and suns too.

haha, just that i have got lots of laundry to clear though. it's been piling like crazy since i started work. partly cause' i was lazy and partly cause' i was sick on Mon. had initially wanted to call in sick but decided against it. just seems a taboo to talk about MC when i have just started work. but thank God, everything's alright now, Panadol, sleep and my little teddy FF kind of cured it all.

but above all these, there are 2 persons whom i think i should thank from the bottom of my heart.

God. for keeping me in safe times and being there.

Mr Cheng. for calling and SMS-ing me to ask about my job and for fetching me from work during his off days and bringing my dinner from his mama all the way from AMK. that was really sweet though. in our bid to be closer and to save a little $$, we have been trying to either eat home or bring out lunch/dinner boxes.

it does not really save tonnes of money but it kind of brought us closer to be eating home-cooked meals (cooked either by him or his mama) together in gardens.

maybe it's our own way of being romantic i guess.

and we've been kind of busy too, looking into things and stuff. we've booked a package with My Bridal Room just about a week plus back. went to check on the package and it's too good to resist though. we both love the gowns and pics and thus, the decision to book it.

as for the wedding bands, we went about looking for the past few weeks and just yesterday, we kind of decided on the perfect pair which we both liked to the max. haha, it ain't cheap though, it's a Destinee diamond wedding band costing a total of about 3k. haha, we kind of have a lobang for a cheaper price so we'll see if it works..

mr cheng and i had also decided on a date and some other minor stuff. but we'll have to get into a whole lot of planning first.

hee...and we both have to start losing the extra weight to look good!!..

hee, that shall be all for now. i have nothing much le. sorry if i seem to be blogging a lot about my future with mr cheng. it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing and i am so nervous and panicky at the thought of it. i have been thinking a lot these days, good and bad and i just wanna say that i've decided on somthing i really wanted to do and i hope that i can get the support of family and friends.

i have not officially told my side of the family yet, just needed to get past xmas and this year before i start saying things on a more serious note. the timing is important cause' it ain't only about me and mr cheng. it's about our families and friends. which is why i've only told this matter in more detail to JAG*s and phylicia.

these are people whom i trust a lot and whom i know will be there for whatever i chose to do. thanks babes, sorry if i have been missing lately. promise we'll have more time together!..i am on office-hour anyway..haha