sometimes, i really hate my family..to such an effect that i secretly hope that i would get married off soon so that i would no longer have to come face-to-face with them so often.

before you start pointing your supposed 'correct' fingers' at me, you may wish to exit this page first. cause' no one really knows that truth of my family and i. i have never really told anyone the story cause' it's just pointless to talk about it, or would 'rant' be a better word, as used by others?

my mum just told me that my attitude was bad and that i shouldn't be speaking to her that way. maybe i was a little crude but i don't really care. it's not as if she really cared enough as a mother. she has failed terribly. i started eating out my breakfast, lunch and dinner at a tender age of like eleven or twelve years?

nah, the reason was not because she was busy working or earning money. the reason was because she has to play mahjong almost everynight. so she would give me a pathetic 2 to 3 bucks to settle my dinner. i never ate breakfast at home cause' she leaves for work early. i never even ate bread that she made in the mornings.

lunch was somehow settled at school. i dislike the fact that my fellow classmates and schoolmates would say goodbye so fast cause' their mother is cooking for them a meal at home.

and i hate it when my dad calls back from overseas and i have to lie to him in the night that i don't know where my mum went. but he knew the truth anyway.

she never once gave me any money for buying stationary, not even Pilot pens or any fancy rubbers. once when i was caught stealing cheap glitter glue from NTUC, she went to fetch me and just scolded me a little.

after that, in the evening, she told me to eat the fried rice i have cooked in school in the noon for dinner. and she promptly left for mahjong, yet again.

i had wanted her to taste it, i had wanted her to ask me what's my problem for stealing.

but she never.

and one of my most memorable mahjong times were her bringing me along on those gambling days and me eating in other people's house and even to an extent of sleeping on their floor. afterwhich, we had to brave the heavy stormy rain to walk home. did i mentioned that it was after midnight?

when i was older in my secondary school, i simply can't be bothered with my mother. she was in every sense of the word, not really my mother.

my dad gave me 30bucks per week for school. just like my primary school days, i would divide the money among breakfast, lunch, dinner and stationary. it was a little pathetic, not enough to spend at times too. but i managed to, through cooking plain rice and eating with soya sauce or eggs at times.

during my poly days, my dad gave me 50bucks per week. i managed to pass through the 3 years through working part-time though. money was simply not enough when you have to eat out for all 3 meals, buy clothes, pay hp bills and all other project stuff.

and i think i should also thank Lawrence for seeing me through one of my toughest stage in life. he paid for much stuff and provided me emotional and financial support through those 6 years.

my worst time in poly got to be the time where i was working and studying for my final year exams. my classmates and my mum wouldn't understand what i was going through. my mum even commented once that i should not be so crazy in work.

but, does she understand that once i stop my hands, my money supply would stop too?

no, she wouldn't. my dad gave her monthly family income and most of it went to her friends' mahjong table. what do i get out of all those years?

a scarred heart, a kind of independence that scares myself at times.

but i guess one good thing do come out from all those years, my ability to fight. i have fought a lot and i still stand strong.

i used to think that my life was one of the worst till i met ZM and Kelvin..

"there's always someone far more worst than you in the world..if they can survive, why can't you?"

i have never really told anyone this story cause everytime when i think about it, i would cry.

even now, i find myself unknowingly tearing.

i am getting married to mr cheng and i am happily looking forward to it. cause' at least, now i know he is someone i can rely on without pondering if he would treat me like how my mum would.

i do not ask for much, i just want to leave my past behind and move on to a new family.

my mum just commented that i would be treating my in-laws in the same rude attitude i've treated her.

but i can tell you that it will never happen. cause' i know, no matter how, i would go back home to a family who has cooked warm food for me and someone who waits for me.


"because of you, i was once a police officer,
so that i could offer protection to people,
the kind that you have deprived me of.

because of you,
i used to fear love and families,
but today, i stay strong and welcoming to all.

because of you,
i was once ashamed of my life cause' it's worthless and ugly

because of you,
i had once so wanted to die

because of you,
i once felt empty of love and care.

because of you,
i faked a lot of smiles in front of our relatives

because of you,
i fear till i am immune

i'll never forget the pain and hurt.
but i'll let it go
cause' of God."